


Tin Foil and Post It Notes

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Series: Bucky and Sam Remain Petty [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Humor, Petty!Bucky, Petty!Sam, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Prank Wars, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Sassy Bucky Barnes, Sassy Sam Wilson, Sinnamon Roll Steve, they're just so pure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 18:33:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9779360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: “You haven’t set up some sort of trap in there, have you?” Steve asks, looking over at him.Sam feigns innocence, “no, why would I do that?” he asks in an almost dramatized way.Steve gives him a look, “contrary to popular belief I am not an idiot. I know you and Bucky are in some ridiculous prank war that you two think I don’t know about. And if I find out that you were responsible for his eyebrows being half shaved off we will havewords,” he says very seriously.Shit. “I didn’t do anything to Barnes’ eyebrows, they’re half shaved off naturally because he’s a freak of nature,” Sam says.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note that this takes place in the same AU that Tony, T'Challa, and Their Gaggle of Children takes place in.

Bucky’s sweet tooth has been well documented and since he liked those damn vegan brownies that tasted like _dirt_ Sam comes up with a new plan. In hindsight he should have accounted for Bucky’s enhanced sense of taste when he found a particularly bad recipe but this time he had his plan perfectly thought out. All he had to do was make the candy apples and _wait_ , Bucky would eat them, he’d be unable to resist because he’s basically five years old inside with no sense of control.

He sets the apples aside and makes his way to the living room to watch some of the expanded universe Star Wars stuff with Steve, who was rather enjoying the world. Sam preferred Star Trek but he didn’t mind Star Wars and it was cute to watch Steve catch up on pop culture references. He _had_ to get Steve to watch the Captain America movies that were made in the eighties though, they were absolute treasures and watching _Captain America_ watch the Captain America films was just something Sam needed in his world. If he was lucky he’d catch a few videos to post to the Internet too. Mostly he just wanted to see Steve’s reaction to his screen self yelling ‘freedom!’ while blowing up Nazis. It wasn’t even _remotely_ historically accurate, and they got Steve’s personality _all wrong_ , but Sam loved the movies anyways.

Steve quietly asks questions every once and awhile, filing the information away for when he might need to know that plot point. Sam can hear when Bucky comes home because he insists on acting like a herd of freaking elephants storming the place but he keeps quiet, earning a suspicious look from Steve but he says nothing. Bucky slams things around, grating Sam’s nerves as he does so (he _swears_ Bucky does it on purpose) before things go mercifully silent. He found the candy apples. _Good_.

“You haven’t set up some sort of trap in there, have you?” Steve asks, looking over at him

Sam feigns innocence, “no, why would I do that?” he asks in an almost dramatized way.

Steve gives him a _look_ , “contrary to popular belief I am not an idiot. I know you and Bucky are in some ridiculous prank war that you two think I don’t know about. And if I find out that you were responsible for his eyebrows being half shaved off we will have _words_ ,” he says very seriously.

Shit. “I didn’t do anything to Barnes’ eyebrows, they’re half shaved off naturally because he’s a freak of nature,” he says, figuring if the jig was up he might as well be honest.

“Bucky is not a freak of nature, Sam! And his eyebrows are _not_ like that naturally. He looks scared and confused with his eyebrows like that and he refuses to shave off the other half of them despite the front halves not growing back. Did you forget that we used to know each other in the forties?” he asks, giving Sam that look that anyone got when they assumed Steve didn’t know things. Which was everyone always, especially Stark. Though in Stark’s slight defense when it came to the how his tech worked only Rhodey was able to keep up there.

“He is so a freak of nature,” Sam mumbles, “and didn’t you vision problems before the serum?” he asks.

“I knew Bucky after the serum, Sam, nice try,” Steve says, giving Sam that don’t-bullshit-me look again. Damn, he forgot about that little historical nugget.

Thankfully Barnes chooses to make things interesting by letting out a loud shriek, prompting Steve to all but develop the ability to fly as he leaps out of his seat to go find Bucky. Sam takes his time because he knew what the problem was and ponders Steve’s over attachment to former (current?) best friend. They really needed to sit down and have a conversation about Steve’s inability to process the future well and clinging to the past but Sam sets that aside in favor of watching Steve watch Bucky looking confused.

“You _bastard_ ,” Bucky spits at him, offending Steve in the process. “What the hell is _this_?” he asks, thrusting the candy-covered onion out for all to see. Sam can’t help but start laughing because Bucky actually _bit into_ his fake candy apples that were actually candy onions. Oh that was more than he thought would happen and this was _great_.

“Are those… onions? Buck, those don’t even look like apples, how could you possibly mistake them for onions?” Steve asks, frowning.

“Oh so this is my fault that Wilson tried to poison me?” Bucky asks, insulted.

“It isn’t my fault your palate is so white you think mayonnaise is a spice, learn to love things with real flavor. Like onions. I figured I was doing you a favor introducing you to things with an actual taste,” Sam says, shrugging casually.

Steve lets out a small laugh and Bucky makes an offended noise, “I have a sensitive plate because of the serum Sam, I can taste _everything_.”

“Then how come Steve like food that actually tastes good?” Sam asks and Bucky sputters for a moment.

“Curry is pretty good Bucky, you should try it. And there’s this Thai place around the corner and they barely register me as Steve Rogers anymore so I can actually buy food in peace, you might like that too,” Steve suggests.

“I just like chicken nuggets,” Bucky mumbles.

“You know eating only chicken and sweets sounds all cute and quirky but eventually you’re going to get scurvy,” Sam tells him.

*

Bucky really, _really_ hated Sam Wilson. The man was a goddamn menace because now Steve was on his ass about eating a wider range of food due to that god damn scurvy comment. He goes into the bathroom and locates Sam’s Falcon toothbrush easily and pulls out his scissors. “Screw you Wilson, I’ll get scurvy but your teeth will fall out,” he mumbles and chops the bristles off the brush. Who even had a toothbrush with their superhero persona on it? Arrogant dicks, that’s who. Steve’s toothbrush catches his eye but he ignores the little Captain America figures on it because it was probably Sam goddamn Wilson who bought the stupid thing as a bad joke.

He leaves the bathroom with Sam’s swept up bristles so he could throw the evidence of his transgressions out elsewhere only to find himself accosted by Steve and some goddamn bell peppers that he forces himself to eat because things were easier this way. He could fight Steve on it but the man was so stubborn he went through a borderline illegal experiment just to join the damn army. Bucky knew when to pick his battles so he eats the stupid peppers.

Sam finds them two hours later trying to figure out Tony Stark’s latest kid conspiracy holding his toothbrush out in front of him. “ _Why_ are there no bristles on this toothbrush _Barnes_ ,” he asks, waving his useless brush around.

“It wasn’t me,” he lies, earning a _look_ from Steve, who obviously knew it was him because Sam goddamn Wilson couldn’t even keep _that_ a secret from Steve. Damn useless asshole.

“You know what, fuck you and your bad eyebrows. Steve, I’m using your brush until I get a new one,” Sam says, stomping off like a petulant child.

“That’s disgusting Stevie,” Bucky says, wrinkling his nose at Steve and hoping for an agreement.

Steve betrays him by shrugging; “to be honest I’ve had some pretty um… _intimate_ parts of Sam’s body in my mouth. I don’t think I have much of a leg to stand on in regards to being gross considering we swap spit and other bodily fluids regularly,” he points out.

Bucky swears he can feel his entire _face_ wrinkle in disgust, “ _ew_.”

Steve rolls his eyes, “oh please Buck, don’t act like you’re sex life is cleaner. It isn’t.” It was so because he didn’t sleep with _Sam Wilson_. He has taste.

*

“Did I ever tell you about that time I became a ghost sighting in Wakanda?” Bucky asks and Sam rolls his eyes so hard he’s surprised they didn’t fall out of his head and roll out the door.

“You definitely hadn’t mentioned that,” Steve says, leaning forward in interest because he was always interested in the boring and mundane things Bucky had to say. Sam personally preferred the meaningful content of the newspaper. Or he would if there wasn’t another goddamn story about Tony Stark and his gaggle of children. Last week Riri was T’Challa’s, this week she belonged to some supermodel Tony looked at for a total of five seconds and somehow impregnated, next week he’d have a new kid altogether. This week was some more father-son outing stuff with Peter with a mention of Tony being at some award show thing in which Riri won some prestigious engineering award.

How Tony going to lunch with Peter was more interesting and newsworthy than Riri Williams winning an important award he had no clue but that was the media for you. On page three Sam rolls his eyes again because Tony _did_ have another fake kid- some Kate Bishop person. At this point Sam was one hundred percent certain that Tony was just making things up now and for some reason the media wasn’t catching on.

“Well when I got out of cryo I couldn’t really sleep that well so mostly I just hung out at the park at night and I didn’t think much of it until T’Challa started laughing about the headlines. Apparently people were coming to the park, catching sight of me, and freaking out because they aren’t used to pale people there and had no real idea what we looked like in the moonlight. So that’s how I accidentally became a ghost. The other time I got tortured by HYDRA a lot but that’s not as fun,” Bucky says in a chipper tone. Steve winces hard at the end but Sam knows it’s Bucky’s way of dealing with things. It wasn’t a half bad coping mechanism and all things considered Bucky was doing really well. He had enough motivation to aggressively engage Sam in a prank war so that said something.

“You should have stayed a ghost, I liked you better that way,” Sam mumbles, earning a downright _angry_ look from Steve but Bucky doesn’t seem offended.

“And you should have stayed some army nobody that Steve didn’t care about because _I_ liked _you_ better that way,” Bucky says, nose in the air.

“You two apologize to each other right now!” Steve yells at them.

“I’m sorry that I have to put up with you,” Bucky says.

“I’m sorry you exist,” Sam shoots back.

“I’m sorry that you’re the most useless Avenger,” Bucky counters.

“At least I _am_ an Avenger,” Sam tells him, eyebrow raised and Bucky gives him an offended look.

“You two stop!” Steve tells them. “You’re being needlessly rude to each other and it stops _now_ , no more candied onions, no more chopping off people’s toothbrush bristles, you’re going to get along. And Scott Lang is the most useless Avenger, he controls _ants_.”

“Really? I think Clint is the most useless Avenger,” Sam says, no offense to the man. He made a better spy than an Avenger though.

“Not really related because Tony isn’t exactly useless- a right pain in my ass maybe, but not useless- anyways. Is it just me or is he acting weird lately? What was with him giving us a lecture on kicking people of buildings the last time we were deployed?” Steve asks, frowning.

“Who cares about that, his fighting patterns are of a completely different person. I’ve seen the videos and it’s like he’s lost all fighting experience and his suit is smaller. Pretty sure that injury he suffered awhile back is affecting him a lot more than he’s letting on and for some reason T’Challa isn’t saying anything about it,” Bucky says, frowning. Sam frowns too because yeah, now that Bucky pointed it out Tony _was_ acting weird and his fighting style _is_ totally different…

*

“You were dedicated,” Steve notes as Bucky rips off another layer of post it notes off his stuff. After their discussion of Tony’s weird fighting habits Sam had gone back to his room to find a bunch of cups stacked to the ceiling and okay, touché Barnes, but then- _then_ he tried to take them down and they were filled with _juice_. Taking one down knocked them all down and now his and Steve's room smelled like a goddamn juice factory and he was stuck sleeping on the couch with Steve, which is cute in theory only. He should talk Steve into revenge sex in Bucky's favorite spot.

“Damn right I was,” Sam says proudly. He covered everything, and he did mean _everything_ Bucky owned in post it notes, then he put on a layer of cling wrap, then more post its, then a layer of tin foil, then more post its, then more cling wrap, and then he topped it off with another layer of tin foil and some gift wrap with post it notes on top. Bucky has been trying to free his stuff, his prosthetic arm included, for _hours_ and Sam for one was pleased with his work.

“Next time he makes my bed smell like a juice factory filled with rotting fruit I’m wiping my ass with his pillow case,” Steve says in a serious tone. Sam starts laughing because that would be hilarious, nasty, but hilarious. But Steve had _not_ been impressed with the inability to sleep in his own bed and he was less impressed with the fact that the whole room smelled like it was slowly going bad. Sam agreed and his smell was nowhere near as good as Steve’s. And that was how he learned that Steve had a sensitivity to smell that he really did not appreciate people agitating, including his good pal Blinky Barfs.

“You should eat curry before you do it too,” Sam suggests.

Steve grins, “you’re good at this.”

“Fuck you Wilson!” Bucky yells out from his bedroom as he finds another layer of tin foil and post its.

"Yeah, I'm a real natural," he says, grinning.

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


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